The first thing I think of when I hear the phrase “Lifetime Achievement Award” is the word…dead. I mean that is typically an award one receives posthumously, right? Seriously, who wants to receive a lifetime achievement award at 40? Aren’t you pretty much just throwing in the white towel? Nothing to see here folks, keep moving along, I got my lifetime achievement award so for the next 40-50 years I’m going to talk about my lifetime achievement award but never actually achieve anything else, because hello…I already got the award! I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, and of course, I think I’m awesome and totally deserve such an honor, but I also spent many sleepless nights after I found out I would be receiving this award at the blogger equivalent of the Oscar’s worried that I was dying and no one had told me.
I’m being completely serious, every pimple was a potential tumor or cancerous cell (and really who still gets a zit at 40!) and I spent hours… HOURS… combing through WebMD and Google researching every symptom that I was convinced would lead to my untimely death. I wish I could say that I was able to enjoy knowing that I was the recipient of such an honor, but I was too busy being firmly held down by terror’s grip that this meant my life was over. So that lasted a few days, stealing my happiness and forcing me to suck the life out of everyone around me with my constant worry and fear. Eventually, bigger fears took over, like what was I going to wear and would Adam Levine finally give me the acknowledgment I deserve and agree to be my date for this auspicious event. I think my letter to him explaining the award I was to receive and my complete certainty that death was knocking on my door was quite convincing, so I wasn’t really concerned he would turn my offer down, but still…I had to keep the husband on standby. Then I was hit with the worst fear of all, what would I say?!?!?!
And that my friend is the subject of this Super Secret Subject Swapapalooza submitted by the equally talented and hilarious Jenn over at Life On The Sonny Side. Between you and me, I totally think she should have won. Okay, not really, but that’s what I’m supposed to say…you know to be gracious and humble and all that crap, but who am I kidding? I won a Lifetime Achievement Award; my days of humility are behind me. There were a total of 15 brave bloggers that were considered equally deserving of this award, and my publicist is totally making me publish their links on my website, so you can scroll down if you absolutely must and check them out (between you and me, TOTALLY not worth it, but apparently SOME people think I’ve turned into some insane megalomaniac or something…whatevs, their just jealous of my success, so feel free to waste your time, but that’s why YOU don’t have this award sitting on your mantle with a spotlight shining on it).
Since I am such a consummate professional and perfectionist, I thought it best that I study past award acceptance speeches to help me cultivate my own. I believe this turned out to be an invaluable resource and if I may brag for a moment, made my speech the best ever speech given at an award show ever in the history of award shows, but I’m sure I’m just being modest. In case you missed the broadcast (because it was on some obscure cable channel); I have taken the time and trouble to provide the script to my speech here for your reading pleasure. Enjoy and no need to thank me.
“OMG I can’t believe I won! I’m just so shocked. OMG, I just LOVE YOU ALL! I LOVE EVERYBODY! I’m just speechless right now. OMG I know there are people I need to thank, but I’m just feeling overwhelmed. Can I take a minute? (Audience laughter) (A moment of carefully orchestrated uncontrollable sobbing by yours truly before I compose myself and bravely soldier onward) Now I know what Roberto Benigni meant when he said he “would like to be Jupiter and kidnap everybody and take them to the firmament and make love to everybody.” (Audience laughter) I get you Robby! I totally get you now and life is indeed beautiful! I’m so not prepared, I mean there are so many beautiful and talented bloggers in this category, and I just never thought I’d be standing up before you today, so I can’t even formulate a thought (insert nervous laughter followed by more uncontrollable sobbing). I can’t seem to stop crying, I mean if you only knew what trials I’ve overcome to stand before you this night. I’m such a little insignificant blogger; it is such an honor to be the recipient of such a prestigious award and held by so many distinguished bloggers before me. I’m just a mom and a wife, yet here I am tonight standing before you in this dress supported by my amazing boyfriend (blows a kiss to Adam) and my equally amazing husband watching me now from our couch at home while he takes care of our 4 incredibly wonderful children. I’m so blessed (pretty sobbing, not ugly girl cry face sobbing). I don’t know what I did in my life to deserve all this; I’m just a girl from a small town in Texas who had a dream. I love my family so much, without them I wouldn’t be standing here today. I mean I am so in love with them, each and every one. Don’t worry, you won’t catch me making out with my siblings or anything (ahem Angelina), but seriously, behind every great woman is a great supporting cast and network. I’m so pumped that I could do a one arm push up right now! (Audience laughter and clapping) I feel like the queen of the world! Woo hoo!!!! (uncomfortable audience laughter?) Speaking of Titanic, anyone else annoyed with the overuse of the names “Rose!” and “Jack!” Seriously, go back and watch it. You will be annoyed. And I really don’t understand why she couldn’t have shared the door so the love of her life didn’t freeze to death and die…but I don’t want to digress (nervous tittering from me, I wasn’t really nervous, but I wanted to appear endearing). I just think an award like this means I’m liked, and I am so happy to be liked and adored. I feel like Mary Poppins! I love all of you so much, and I wish everyone could win (puhleeze…who ever thinks that?) Adam, darling! Thank you so much for escorting me tonight. Every blogger should be so lucky to have such delicious arm candy. My husband! Thank you so much for allowing Adam to escort me tonight, I wish you were here (not here here because…Adam)! I’d like to thank my children who help provide the richly entertaining fodder that is my blog’s content. But most of all, I would like to thank…ME. (cue music) No, let me explain… (security
forcibly gently drags escorts me offstage)”
Why shouldn’t I thank myself? It’s my blog! I write it! Well, despite being so rudely shut down by the blogger award officials and their goon squad, I think we can all safely agree that this is the best award speech ever given. I think the uncontrollable sobbing was well played. I thought about going with hysterical over the top laughter, but crying won out in the end. It was good right? I mean you totally get why I won right? Hahaha of course you do, who am I kidding ;)
If you are a blogger who struggles to figure out what to write, whether it be informative or amusing, worries about letting down his/her readers, pat yourself on the back, you deserve it! Keep keeping on! Those of us who read you, need you!
And let me add this quick apology for being late to post today. I can’t for the life of me figure out this timed posting thing, it never works, and by never I mean the two times I’ve tried it have been epic failures. So to the other bloggers in the swap and to the amazing Karen at Baking In A Tornado, who takes the time out of her busy schedule to keep us entertained and on track and who comes up with some simply brilliant ideas for blog content (I’m a little bit sucking up because I was late but only a little bit), I apologize and I can’t wait to read you all!
Without further adieu, check out these fantastic peeps tweep and beeps (that means friends for you uncool unhip people).